Looking for


“I’ll just check my facebook.” Clicking and scrolling, not conscious of what I’m looking for, waiting for something to  grab me.  Wait a minute how many hours have gone by?  My to-do list is in a pile of  my other to-do lists.

Feels like the days of those teen cravings.  The fridge wide open, scrolling the shelves not conscious of what I’m looking for, waiting for something to grab me.

What am I really looking for?  I ask this question in meditation.  I inhale, breathing through the insulation of defensiveness is a seeping wound.

Matter of Feelings


The place that says, “My feelings matter.”   is confident, perceptive and generous.  The place that says, “I’m afraid my feelings don’t matter,” is  hostile, untempered and wreckless.

So when feeling ignored,  I have the emotional control of about a 4 year old. How embarrassing.

Anne Carlson




Christmas Moments


Throughout the day, my celebration has taken on a new perspective. Many traditions have been set aside and re-prioritized by  personal care-taking.   Instead of one big event,  I have discovered moments. These moments are full of delight and are unfolding into rich holiday cheer.

Nat King Cole, the music of my childhood, sings through the kitchen radio. My mother comes to mind, much younger than I am now, busily creating Christmas loveliness for 3 anxious little children. I feel loved all over again, this time, with weathered wisdom and mature appreciation.

Hey, I just found my Christmas socks the day before Christmas rather than the day after.  Yay for me, I got warm candy cane socks!   The phone rings, it’s a Christmas wish call from a friend.  I hobble out to the living room. There’s a bag of goodies on the couch dropped off last night with 4 huge pomegranates  for me.  Oh yeah!

I get a call from my 2 brothers in the autistic spectrum who are spending Christmas together on the other side of the country, 2000 miles away.

Bro:     “Hey, how do you cook a turkey?”

Me:      “Is it frozen?”

Bro:     “How can you tell?”

Me:      “Move the leg.

Bro:     “Where’s the leg?”

Me:        “That boney drumstick thing when you move it up and down, does it giggle, or does the whole thing move?”

Bro:     “It giggles.”

Me:      “Good (sigh of relief), that means its thawed.”

Bro:      “Hey, how do you get this thing out of the package?”

Me:       “Do you have any scissors?”

Bro:     “I kind of wish you could get one of these things already cooked.”

Me:      “You can do that, but you have to order them ahead.”

Bro:     “I did order this one ahead.”

Me:      “Oh?  Wait a minute.  It this a cooked turkey?”

Bro:   ” I don’t know. How can you tell?”

Me:      “Cut open the package.  If it’s white it’s raw, if it’s brown it’s cooked.”

Bro:     “What’s that fishnet thing for?  Is it okay to take it out of that fishnet thing?

Me:      “That’s to help you carry it.  just cut the whole fishnet thing off.”

Bro:     “Okay I cut it off.”

Me:      “Hold on, before you take the rest of the package off, read me what it says.”

Bro:     “Wow, there’s a lot of things for me to read here.”

Me:      “That’s okay, just read me whatever it says so we know how long to cook it.”

Long pause, sound of rustling.

Bro:     ”It says here, fully cooked 11 lb. turkey.”

Me:       “Fully cooked means you don’t have to cook it.  You’ll be fine, you don’t have to cook it.”

Looking forward to a call tomorrow from 2 gleeful brothers who will have prepared their first Christmas dinner.

Anne Carlson