A Day

 

Sometimes its just another day.  Nothing big happened, no accomplishment landmarks, everyone I know is safe, and the weather is good.

Glad to be here.

– Anne Carlson –

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Is there such thing as angel frogs?

 

Look what was in an old bucket of dirty water.  Don’t you just love it when life finds a way to survive?  Now how did that mommy frog get into a bucket with a lid on it?  All these little guys would have eventually drowned except I happened to have set something down which broke a hole right through the lid, and there they were.  Had the eggs been laid in the pond the goldfish would have gotten them, but now they are big enough to make in on their own.

With a little transportation help from me, they are on to a great life in the frog pond with plenty of delicious insects awaiting them in the periwinkle patch when they grow up.

I think even frogs have angels.

                  -Anne Carlson-

 

 

 

Bank Account Shock

After panic, freak out and a few days of running around in a crises-frenzy, I usually drop into emotional exhaustion.  Sometime after about 2 am when the radio has timed off and  I’m left to the voice of my own thoughts is when I begin to wade through the swamp of guilt, blame and hysteria to eventually settle into sorting it out.

How about this time we skip the freak out – frenzy part and go right into sorting it out?

-Anne Carlson-

Public Selfie

Feeling self-conscious taking a selfie in a public place. The major problem is, for me, its not just snap-snap and we’re done with it.

You see, I have to take a whole bunch of selfies to get even a somewhat good one.  Maybe I can fake it so nobody will know what I’m doing.

Soooo I always hold my phone up to the sun and smile into it while “checking my messages.”

I don’t think this is working.  “Hey look at that ol’ lady taking a 100 selfies.  She must be really full of herself.”  I just know that’s what everyone is thinking.

Why should I really care what people think. All these strangers will go their merry way and never give me a second thought. I’m feeling good, its a beautiful day, and I would like a selfie. If I get a reasonable one I’ll post it, otherwise you’ll know I didn’t.

No big deal, right?

Somehow it seems important to me at this moment what people think. Could all this adolescent mental drama have something to do with the fact that sitting about 30 feet from me is a really handsome guy right about my age range?

Pardon me, I’m a little distracted.

-Anne Carlson-

Because of You

Once upon a time, you were a child that said, “When I grow up I’m going to be a doctor.”  The fun activities were traded for extra hours of study. Temptations of teen shenanigans were dismissed for the higher goal.

Brought to a pivotal point your heart ached for the terrible loss by this disease and you said, “I’m going to find a cure for cancer.” The huge hurdle of expensive education you conquered, and your sacrifices became even greater.

During those rotations  sometimes being awake for 48 hours at a time, through internship, residency, and unpredictable on-call interruptions of what little family life you had, you held on.

Thank you.

Because of you I have a life.  Because of you, that rainy morning 15 months ago, when I broke 3 ribs in my sleep and wept silently on the way to the emergency room, as I saw my future as a sack of broken, splintering bones.  I thank you that every day since then has been better.  When I drop something I can pick it, I can drive a little bit, shop and dress myself without risk.   I can write books, scripts and craft experiences to inspire others to walk through despair and find the strength within.  Because of you, I have more time.

Thank you.

Sincerely,  Anne Carlson

Caught In My Own World

 

I’m in between appointments at the Huntsman Cancer Center,  looking for a way to occupy my time.  To keep ahead of the chemo brain, I promised myself to recite my Mary Magdaline Script at least once a day.

Out loud but quietly speaking the lines to myself, my facial expressions automatically follow along.  I guess I was really getting into it because a woman a few seats over gave me one of those guarded but compassionate looks.

It occurred to me then, where I happened to be sitting.  Imagine what this must look like in a major hospital sitting in the waiting room of the psychiatry department?

-Anne Carlson-

Don’t forget the details

Several years ago I saw the motor home I had dreamed for sale. I really wanted it.  though I didn’t have the resources, no stone would be unturned. I had heard a lot about visualizing, and had nothing to lose. Every few hours, I would pray (beg), and visualize that motor home in my front yard.  I did this throughout the day and kept it on my mind as I went to sleep.

At 6 am, on  the 4^th morning, there it was.  That very motor home was parked in my front yard, exactly as I visualized it! (No kidding, true story.)

“Wow, this really works,”  I walked around it,  expecting to find a note on the windshield, but nothing.  So I ran around to the back, flew open the back door and scared the lady half to death that had Just bought the motor home, drove into what she might have thought to be a safe neighborhood and parked in my front yard to sleep for the night.

So when you visualize, make sure you put in the details.  Be careful what you ask for.

-Anne Carlson-

 

Humility to Courage

Sometimes I hesitate to try something big because if it doesn’t work out I would be embarrassed.  So if I was humble enough to fail in public,  I would be prone to set higher goals.

If so, than humility is an agent to courage.

-Anne Courage-

 

Open the bag wide to catch all the goodies

Hearing the words, “You have stage 4 cancer.” told me my days could be short and I didn’t want to miss out.   So I imagined a giant trick or treat bag and opened it wide to catch all the goodies this world has for me.

Since then, love has flowed in from everywhere and with it, my compassion and my desire to give from within, expands.

It’s a good place to be.

 

 

Contemplating the Experience of Joy

Joy, could it be the pleasure of the spirit, soul, and body all in one place?  Maybe but its so much more than that.  The more I try to describe it, the more ways come to mind to describe it.  The words themselves become endless poetry and song.

What I know is that I experienced it today.

-Anne Carlson-