Regret

rear-view-mirror-835085_960_720 The screech of resisting tire tread bounced across the asphalt. From the end of my driveway, I could see a car remained in the road a few feet away from the intersection.

No obvious mechanism of injury, no second car, no visible damage. Must not be any big deal.  I returned to watering my sunflowers.

A few minutes later, sirens, flashing lights and the little white car was  pulsing with activity.  It wouldn’t have taken much for me to walk up the street with my phone and offer what I could.  Its in my nature, I’m a retired paramedic.

It bothers me that I didn’t.

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Calling for Grace

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Soon to be 87, the corrosion of memories has  left my Aunt Grace without a past.  Her joy  is in the pleasure of the next meal. I wait as the plastic chair in the nurses office scrapes across the linoleum floor and she gets comfortable.

The roll call begins of who’s left in the family dynasty with the predictable pauses of silence.  She realizes she is one of 3 survivors in a large family of cancer deaths.

I think of her as the crazy Aunt Grace in a picture my mother took at the beach in her stylish sunhat and Foster Grant sunglasses, kissing the stature of Orville Wright.  She was there when I was born. She reminds me there is inner strength to draw from. ‘You had a hard life, but were a strong child,” she says, “you always had a mind of your own.”

A thought comes to me, dawning into a smile.  Not an outward smile, but an internal one, of the heart.  She still remembers me, I realized.  She knows how much she loves me, and tells me I made her day when I call.

“I like this place,” she said, “I think I’ll stay for a while.”

–  Anne Carlson  –

 

How to Send Flowers to Heaven

Buy something you think I would like and take them to someone whose heart is troubled.

flower-3305623_376If you ever want to put flowers on my grave, buy something you think I would like.  Take them to someone whose heart is troubled, such as someone in a shelter or someone in a care center that doesn’t get visitors.

I would really appreciate that.

–  Anne Carlson  –

That Cold Feeling of Fear

The choice is, be consumed as prey, hunted by your own thoughts or take control

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Watching the lab results, resisting that cold feeling of fear and panic building momentum like gears one upon the other.

The choice is –  to be hunted by your own thoughts and consumed as prey, or take control.

Just tell me where the on switch is.

– Anne Carlson –

 

 

 

 

 

Yellow lights

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The colors in the house are looking dull so I bought a package of new light bulbs. I went to someone else’s house, the light was all wrong there too. I don’t think a package of light bulbs is what I need.

Isn’t there a river in Egypt called duh-Nile?  I’ll be hanging out there for a while, but don’t worry I’ll be back.

In the meantime, if you happen to notice my socks don’t match, I’d appreciate a heads up

– Anne Carlson –

 

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