Nameless Vacancy

craving heart

Advertisements

Cancer is doing what cancer does, untimely and unpredictable.

Standing outside of life looking in;  a nameless vacancy craves to be comforted.

Depression slips in through the back door.

door-220048__480

 

Holiday Survivor, the Mourning After

the thanksgiving dinner that never happened

turkey-1299176_1280“Everything’s taken care of.”  I told my daughter.  The turkey was in the roaster and the frig bulged with fixings. Since my boys were home, they could help me finish the home stretch. 

This time, however, thanksgiving dinner never happened.  How foolish of me to depend on them. Couch comforts and the spell of the electronic device proved too intoxicating, so the vision of a traditional holiday remains a fantasy.  When will I learn that any need of mine is no match for autism indifference?

Saturated in the doom of matriarchal failure I apologized to my daughter and guest. “I don’t like turkey anyway,” consoled Brittany.  “How about next year we just do pies?”

Perspective is Relative

Big and little

nature-3181144_960_720

Looking at the stars, thinking of the worlds out there, the universes, feeling very small,

But to me, my world is big.

Then there’s this little bug, his world is little.

But to him, his world is big.

But then there’s this universe…

–  Anne Carlson  –

Public Selfie

Feeling self-conscious taking a selfie … why should I really care what people think.

AC April 24, 2018Feeling self-conscious taking a selfie in a public place. The major problem is, for me, its not just snap-snap and we’re done with it.

You see, I have to take a whole bunch of selfies to get even a somewhat good one.  Maybe I can fake it so nobody will know what I’m doing.

Soooo I always hold my phone up to the sun and smile into it while “checking my messages.”

I don’t think this is working.  “Hey look at that ol’ lady taking a 100 selfies.  She must be really full of herself.”  I just know that’s what everyone is thinking.

Why should I really care what people think. All these strangers will go their merry way and never give me a second thought. I’m feeling good, its a beautiful day, and I would like a selfie. If I get a reasonable one I’ll post it, otherwise you’ll know I didn’t.

No big deal, right?

Somehow it seems important to me at this moment what people think. Could all this adolescent mental drama have something to do with the fact that sitting about 30 feet from me is a really handsome guy right about my age range?

Pardon me, I’m a little distracted.

-Anne Carlson-

Don’t forget the details

mobile-home-2260094__340

Several years ago I saw the motor home I had dreamed for sale. I really wanted it.  though I didn’t have the resources, no stone would be unturned. I had heard a lot about visualizing, and had nothing to lose. Every few hours, I would pray (beg), and visualize that motor home in my front yard.  I did this throughout the day and kept it on my mind as I went to sleep.

At 6 am, on  the 4th morning, there it was.  That very motor home was parked in my front yard, exactly as I visualized it! (No kidding, true story.)

“Wow, this really works,”  I walked around it,  expecting to find a note on the windshield, but nothing.  So I ran around to the back, flew open the back door and scared the lady half to death that had Just bought the motor home, drove into what she might have thought to be a safe neighborhood and parked in my front yard to sleep for the night.

So when you visualize, make sure you put in the details.  Be careful what you ask for.

-Anne Carlson-